Finding the middle ground on happiness

"I can't WAIT to get out of here." For the overwhelming majority of students at my high school, this was the prevailing attitude. I can still remember meeting in the band hallway before first period, a bright and early 7:00am. We would all just sit there, zombie-like, our eyes glazed over from lack of sleep. Every once in a while, someone would utter something peppy, like "It's too early to be here," or "I hate my life."

All we wanted was to get out. High school was horrible, terrible, the worst thing that could ever happen to us. Despite the fact that none of us had any idea what life would be like outside of it, we knew that ANYTHING would be an improvement. And so we pressed onward toward graduation, always with that same get-out attitude: "Life will be better when we're somewhere else." "Once this is over, THEN we'll be happy."

A few months into college, I realized that this was not a healthy way of thinking. I came to W&M buying into that idea that being in a new place with new people would bring me happiness. At first, this seemed to ring true. A fact I don't often mention is that for the first few weeks of college, I was ecstatic. It was exciting and new, and the future was so bright.

But despite the fact that I was in a new environment, I was still the old me. I had brought all of my faults and imperfections with me. As those honeymoon days began to fade away, I started noticing that I was having the same problems, and making the same mistakes, as I had in high school. It finally dawned on me that I couldn't expect a change of location to fix all my problems. If I wanted to be happy and become a better person, I needed to work on developing myself - becoming a man of solid character - and that was something I should be able to do anywhere, regardless of my environment. I had flipped from holding the belief that happiness depended on "getting out" to the belief that it relied on "developing myself, regardless of where I am or who I'm with."

As time goes on, I'm beginning to realize that these matters are never so simple. After spending almost a year entrenched in the process of "working on myself," in the absence of any consistent community (i.e. almost totally on my own), it's hitting me that happiness hasn't come yet. (What gives?!) I can feel myself coming to a sort of middle ground; that while I don't believe it's beneficial to live our lives "wanting to get out" (as some so hopelessly do throughout their entire lives - in school, work, even families, always thinking "the next thing will be better"), there are some elements external to ourselves, like community, and making use of our true gifts, that we truly do need to nourish us and help us grow. I've been living so stubbornly against the "gotta get out" mentality that I've tried to FORCE myself to be happy while living a life that is simply not fulfilling: living with my parents, working as a substitute teacher, and seeing friends only rarely.

I look forward to next year -- not because I "need to get out" of Northern VA, as if there is some curse on this place that is draining the life out of me. No, I look forward to the change because I know I'll be living life differently. I'll be studying under inspiring professors, meeting other faithful Catholics my own age, snowboarding a lot :-), and ideally working a job that uses my talents. And while I realize that I could find most of those things here in the DC area if I searched hard enough, I can't shake the feeling that a brand new adventure is awaiting me in the foothills of Denver.